Here’s a new one:
Posh Plumber
Keks of jaunty raspberry pink
his bills in sprawling Parker Quink
for dramas of the kitchen sink
think: Posh Plumber.
Middle class? Embarrassed? Nervous?
Does the tradesman in your service
makes you feel like Libby Purves?
You don’t deserve this,
call Posh Plumber!
He might be slow, he might be late
or pitch-up on a different date
he may hum Hayden’s Number 8
BUT he’ll never call you ‘mate’
dial 118 for Posh Plumber.
Cry Hip-horray and jolly good for rummy, well bred plumbers
vocals chords all treacly like twenty Brideshead summers
Worksman’s hat, he sometimes doffs it
eats and plays squash, never quaffs it
antique plunger held aloft it
must be Posh Plumber!
Need a man whose good with copper?
Can’t take another glottal stopper
get a chap who talks all proper
is that a topper? Posh Plumber.
A pastry face like Quentin Letts
no GSR, but in Debretts
his cousin is a Baronet
don’t forget Posh Plumber.
Yes, though the family bread is gone
he buttons up and solders on
while quoting chunks of Don Juan
All hail etc, Posh Plumber.
He’ll put at ease you plummy mums
with darns and drats and cripes and crumbs
occasionally a Latin pun
to You and Yours he nobly plumbs
ti-tum-ti-tum, ti-tum ti-tum
um um um …. Posh Plumber.
Yes splendid, super, rather, cheers! And one more for the road
Imagine Bob The Builder cross-bred with Mr Toad!
And so we called him, let him in
jowels-a-plenty, not much chin
u bend gunk on waxen skin
with just the faintest wiff of gin
chin chin Posh Plumber!
And what a chap he seemed to be:
an Oxbridge third in PPE
a Tupperware of kedgeree
tuned my set to Radio 3
claimed to loved my poetry
took no sugar in his tea
Just a dash of milk for me
refreshingly Posh Plumber
But when he’d gone-off (in his Merc)
our brand new boiler coughed and burped
the kitchen taps refused to work
then spewed some black stuff on my shirt
I’m gonna hurt Posh Plumber
But the bastard upped and ran
last heard he’d moved to Cannes
we had to call a different man
(a yobbish fellow in a van)
who sucked his teeth and charged three grand
to put right what that rogue began
damn Posh Plumber!
So now we’re three k in the red
we fell for charm and fell like lead
and Tony Blair said class was dead
you should dread Posh Plumber!
